Summer’s here and we’ve got some delightful prizes for you gays to win in our ‘Win Some Gay Summer Prizes’ Comp.

First prize up for grabs is an original pair of Murder She Wrote Lesbicon star Angela Lansbury’s underpants, pictured left.

This gorgeous piece of gay memorabilia can only appreciate in value and the brown hessian knee length originals would look fabulous framed and hung on your wall.

All you have to do to be in the running for this piece of Hollywood history is to answer this question-
Angela Lansbury is first cousins with which other lesbicon-
A- Julie Andrews
B- Elizabeth Taylor
C- Joan of Arc

Send your answer along with a stamped self addressed envelope and a cheque for £35 to-
Biva HQ
17/ a Hyacinth Bucket House
IH677 9PO
Parishiltonshire

Gaystuff, purveyors of fine classical art works to the gay market released this week the long awaited first coin on the ‘Famous Bisexuals and Their Husbands’ series.

First cab off the rank is that girl-kissing chanteuse, Christina Aguillera.

The bisexual Former Mouseketeer said she was pleased as ‘punch’ to be immortalised on a coin of such taste and refinement.

It is believed her husband fully supports her bisexuality.

The coins go on sale today at gaystuff.com and larger city Woolworths.

This gorgeous Portia-Ellen Memorial Emmy Kiss Wrist Bracelet can be yours for only £7.12.
Handpainted by fair trade lesbians on a backing of free range polished volcanic rock , this divine momento of Ellen’s Daytime Emmy win of 2007 will delight any fan of Ellen or Portia or their relationship.

Surprise your lady love NOW. If you order before half past 11 you get a free home tampon burning unit for your bathroom from Tamplex world leaders in sanitary products for the lady-loving lady and the lady that loves her!

Cunnullingus- One of the essential components of the word homosexuality is ’sex’. Without sex we would be left with ‘homouality’, which is meaningless.
Some straight girls tamper with female homosexuality, conveniently labelling themselves bi-curious. They say they enjoy cuddling and closeness with their lesbian friends. This is not only unfair, it’s silly.
There is no such thing as ‘homocuddleuality’, you can’t drunkenly trifle with your lesbian friend’s emotions and then proclaim yourself a ‘homocuddleual’
Therefore if you find repellant the fundamental basis for all female homosexuality; the act of placing another woman’s vagina inside your mouth, then female homosexuality is not for you.

If the above diagram makes you squirm or shudder, or maybe even gag, then it’s probably best you stick to the penis bearing member of the species.

The sun was hardly above the yard arm when CIA agent Jess Cufflink made her way across the sandy red road.
The red dust dusted her white toes and she cast her mind back to three weeks before, before all hell had broken loose and her once peaceful world had been shattered into a trillion pieces. ‘Like a packet of crisps under an elephant’ Jess thought to herself, ‘Or a baby ant run over by a tractor being driven by the fattest man on earth,’
Just then a little involuntary tear came down the cheek of CIA agent Jess Cufflink and her humanness shone through.
‘Like a disco ball,’ she thought to herself, ‘back home at Naughty Norma’s All-Girl Bar and Tackle Shop, where you and I used to dance, slow, moving round the floor like,..,… like one of those floor waxing machines with the big brushes,’

But Jess had no time for casting her mind back to happier times; she was here on assignment, an assignment she knew she had to complete…and complete fast.

For in a missing piece of satellite somewhere her on the floor of the desert lay a piece of information, perhaps a piece of information that may save the world, or indeed some of it.

‘The important parts,’ the President had said to Jess as she stood in the Oval Office accepting her assignment, ‘Like America and England and Australia and maybe Canada but only the bits where the skiing is good. And Texas. And that titty bar down on route 46. Might good tits down there.’
Jess had laughed remembering the times her and the President had spent at that very titty bar, sinking tequila and shooting the breeze and taking in the titties.

But Jess had no time for titty-bar memories; there were pieces of satellite to be discovered, people to be saved…and a broken heart to be got over.

Get your signed copy of Thunder Down Under from Labia Press for only £356.99

It’s 1970 and the outback of Australia swelters under one its hottest skies for 34 years. Recently single CIA agent Jess Cufflink nursing a broken heart and a Fosters Lager hangover scours the base of Ayers Rock, her eyes peeled for a piece of satellite that has slammed into the ground at the base of the ancient monolith.

From the bestselling lesbian pen of lesbian writer Shandy Mitford comes one of her most heart wrenching yet tender novels of love lost and re-found around and under the spinifex of the wide, brown, dangerous but beautiful Australian Outback.

What they’re saying about Thunder Down Under-
‘I read it in Borders at lunchtime. I was so enthralled that by that night I’d booked a ticket to Australia and left the next day. Bit of a mistake really, because I had a really good job in the media in London and here I’m working in Starbucks.’

Jodie,
Wooloongoognoolonga
NSW

‘I laughed, I cried, I wept, I rejoiced, I made a cup of tea, I fed the dog, I went to bed, I got up, I read some more, I went to work….’

Fiona,
Cumb,
Larksickshire

‘Shandy hasn’t disappointed with this latest book. I was so engrossed in the book I forgot to go to the toilet and had a little accident in my pants.’

Hermoine
Titless-Cum-Runningquick
Cowmooingshire

Wet your gay appetite with an exclusive tidbit of Thunder Down Under

2 dazzling new entries in our thrilling limerick comp have already drawn correspondence from readers.
Joyce, a fundamentalist christian with some homosexual stirrings wrote in-
Dear Biva, I am a fan of the limerick. It is an unknown fact that Most Popular Lesbian Poet of the Year 1217 years running, Sappho, began her career as a limerickist. A little know work of hers, recently discovered in the a well behind Sappho’s garden of the arts, Lesvos, indicates her formative years were spent refining her limerick style-

A dirty old from lesbo Greece,
Got a crush on her pretty young niece,
But the niece, when she heard,
said ‘You dirty old bird’
On your old rug I never’d feast!

yours
Joyce Phelps
Topeka

This week we have 2 gorgeous entries from ‘Tofu Luvvah’ of Holland-
There once was a rugmuncher called Julie
her hair was short and never unruly
she sang sweet and gay like a bird
till her breasts burst out of her shirt
so a lesbian mounted & loved her up truly.

There once was an Irish lezzer named Sinead
Who had the libido of an 18 year old boykid
When approaching girls for a tickle
Her choices were incredibly fickle
So each lassy said: that chick must be avoided.

It’s time once again to get your pens and paper out, budding Sapphettes, and submit yourself to the tri-annual Biva Lesbian Limerick Competition.
Celebrate your lady loving experience in 5 line verse and WIN BIG.
Up for grabs is a jar of the lady lovers favourite, Tofu Sausage in Brine from gayfood Inc, a subsidiary of Gayshitwithrainbowson.com or our gorgeous BIVA TEE to grace your breasts this summer.

Last years winner, 17 year old Kate Marshall from Hull wrote-

There once was a lesbian called Maude,
Who one day when very bored,
Went down the boozer,
Drank nine pints of Ouza,
And got cunny-munched by the landlord.

Helen Shogun from Shuck, Idaho wrote-

I once loved a girl called Simone,
Who when lady-loved really did moan,
She’d scream at the cum,
Which did frighten her Mum,
So one night the police she did phone.

Submit your talented entries to biva(AT)biva.co.uk with LESBO LIMERICK in the subject line. Alternatively leave your poems in the comment box.
Entries must be received by midnight April 1. Al entries will be published here and the top 50 will be anthologised by award winning wimm-inn only publishers, Labia Press.

Okay, Exactly Where Is IT?
The vagina is the opening that is located directly below your urethral opening. If like me you are confused by the term ‘Urethral Opening’ you may orientate yourself by looking for your vagina approximately 30 or so centimeters below your breasts. Don’t mistake it for your belly button which is about level with your elbow. If you’re STILL having trouble locating said vagina, look out for a mass of hair somewhere around where your legs join your body. Have a fiddle around in there and you should be able to locate at least some if not all of your ‘vagina’.

The Constituent Parts
The opening is called an orifice, as are other openings in your body except for the one to the rear of your vagina which is called a ‘bumhole’.
Females tend to know less about their genitals than males because they cannot see them as easily. The male genitalia is called a ‘penis’ and should NEVER be thought of or touched. If a lesbian finds herself accidentally thinking about a penis, she should wash her mouth out with soap.

There is nothing wrong with using a mirror and taking a look at what is “down there”. If you don’t have a mirror handy, ask a friend to have a look and describe what he/she sees. Perhaps your friend has an art degree and may be able to make a rough charcoal or pencil sketch of your vaginal zone. A more modern way is to use the camera on your mobile phone to take a video of your ‘lady-garden’.

Famous People With A Vagina- Actress/ First Lady Nancy Reagan had her own vagina. The American vagina is said to be similar to vagina’s found on continental Europe and the Nordic countries, such as Sweden and Finland.

Dear Biva,
My wifeband and I are celebrating a year of partnerriage and I’m unsure of what to gift her. I believe that it is tradition to gift an item of paper in a heterosexual marriage. To that end I’ve seen a rather striking origami sculpture of Ellen Degeneres that my wifeband might enjoy.
My dilemma is do I simply accept and adopt the heterosexual mode of anniversarial gifting or has another separate and more appropriate gifting tradition arisen in the gay community, one that is more fitting to the gay sensibility,
Any help much appreciated,
Yours

‘Quandried’,
Upper Nunnington,
Lickspittleshire

Can you help ‘Quandried’? Click ‘No Comment’ to reply. Most helpful reply wins a biva tee shirt.

The Vatican announced today it would attempt to ‘reign in’ radical young priests who are taking the scriptures a little too literally. A fad for bonnet wearing among junior priests has alarmed many older and more liberal church members.

The Catholic church, which has franchises all over the world, said from its headquarters in Rome, Italy, that the priests, though following scripture needed to ‘exercise caution’ when interpreting the word of the Lord.

But the bonnet wearing priests defend their move.

‘It states clearly in Ezekiel 44:15-18′, said father Donni Osmondo, pictured above, “They shall have linen bonnets upon their heads, and shall have linen breeches upon their loins; they shall not gird themselves with any thing that causeth sweat.”

‘If it’s good enough for the bible, it’s good enough for me and the boys who want to don the bonnet,’ he went on to say.

Lesbian Sue Gipp and her lover Joan Dung were all dressed up with nowhere to go on Friday. The girls, both prison wardens, had waited months to attend the opening ceremony of Heathrow airports new terminal 5.

The opening, after 15 years of planning and construction by its owners BAA, and protests by local residents and environmental groups, was greeted with joy by the happy lesbians who live in Upper Nunnington, Dildshire.

‘On the strength of a headline in the Daily Mail, “Queen to open terminal 5″ we took the day off from our jobs and got a couple of seats on National Express straight to the airport,’ said a disappointed Joan, 48.

‘You can’t imagine our disappointment when we rocked up at the terminal. No Brian May, no Roger Taylor, no John,’ said a teary Sue, pictured left.
‘Of course we didn’t expect Freddie, that would have been a miracle.’

The girls said though they had nothing against the monarch commonly known as QEII, former mother-in-law of the late St Diana of Kensington, she just ‘wasn’t the Queen we was hoping for.’ said a sobbing Joan.

Popular cleaner from the set of HBO’s popular homosexual-based docu-drama, The L Word, was said to be ‘thrilled with’ her purchase of a new street sweeper, (pictured left).

Sources close to Maureen Knerd, an integral part of the L Word set since its inception, said the bisexual cleaner had had a ‘hankering for her own’ piece of industrial cleaning equipment and had ‘finally fulfilled her dream.

Friends of the cleaner said that Ms Knerd, who had worked her way up through the ranks of cleaners, beginning with Eight is Enough 20 years ago, had scrimped and saved to purchase the battery operate machine which was capable of top speeds of 4-6km/.

The gay-themed missing papers of 16th century novice Nun Kylie of Nonce were recently located in a gym locker in Hurlville, Idaho.

The papers, unearthed by gym teacher Ms Jody-Anne Marie Schmuck, were said to be in good condition and carbon dating will take place shortly.
Scribbled by Kylie of Nonce, pictured left, in a police identi-kit image, the papers contains insights into the world of nunnism dating back centurys.

An extract is printed here exclusively for Biva readers.

The hand is sick, the plants obscure
Please up there, I need a cure
Are you listening god? Its me
I’m down here on my bended knee
and while im here I may as well
Have some asparagus vag
In hell I’ll be
Those nuns were right
The ones I shagged all day and night
You’ve got some babes, god, in these cloisters
They plied me with liqueur and oysters
until I couldn’t hardly see
and then took my virginity
so god you see, those nuns are hot
they put their dildo up my bot
and then we had a quick nun sanger
with a double-ended wanger
those nuns are kinky as can be
they rubber sexed in front of me
and now you see I’ve hurt my wrist
those nuns do surely love to fist
so god I think that your son jesus
should do exactly as he pleases
to satisfy the carnal lust
of all the nuns who in god trust
and please my hand could you make right
so I can ‘do’ the nuns all night

copyright Ms Jody-Anne Marie Schmuck and Ms Liz Sheetz

Adelaide poetess Janine Feuch-Nuckel said she was thrilled today at the announcement of her nomination for a coveted Nobel Prize for Poetry.
The 47 year old part time glass blower said that the poem was crafted on Australian election night when former ABC journalist McKew, pictured left stole ousted Prime Minister John Howard’s seat of Bennelong.

‘I’d been waiting for the little prick Howard to go down,’ said the sapphic scribbler, ‘and was shouting at the TV, “go Maxy Go”. I was just simply compelled to interpret the feelings in words. That’s what poetry’s all about, though isn’t it.’

‘Oh, go Maxy’

Maxine
Screen queen
Somebody upstairs likes you
Straight through the glass ceiling
I look up your skirt
At your legs that go all the way
And are coated in sally hansen airbrush legs
You’ve got white skirt confidence
I don’t even know what that is but
It’s related to freshness and
You have that too
Let me be the wings
Beneath your wind
Let me lick the salty sweat
Of your instep
And put ice cubes
In your navel
Now Maxine
Now Now
I shriek
I tremble
I arrive

Gorgeous Hollywood actress/director/lesbian Jody Foster has had her homosexuality immortalised on a tasteful fridge magnet. The newly announced lesbian was unavailable for comment on the gorgeously crafted heirloom but one has been sent to her home, registered post.

Gay and lesbian rights activists were said to be thrilled though stunned when Hollywood actress Jodi Foster publicly acknowledged what some are guessing may be her long hidden lesbian partner, Cydney, in an award speech.

‘That really came out of left field,’ said Marlene D’Erek of COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE, the radical California based paramilitary style group aimed at outing closeted homosexuals celebrity.
‘We are fully aware that Jodi isn’t man-married but we never in a million years would have guessed she was one of us. She’s done our job for us. Strength in numbers,’ said an ecstatic Ms-ter D’Erek raising a clenched fist.

Ms Foster, pictured left, star of 1976 Hollywood classic Freaky Friday, was unavailable for comment, but when contacted by our reporter, a source close to the star said angrily that Ms Foster ‘might have a dog named Cydney, she might have been thanking the girl who gives her a Brazilian, she might have been talking about the Cydney Harbour bridge,’

When our reporter replied, ‘Sorry, but Sydney Harbour bridge starts with an ‘S”.’ a fight broke out over the phone and insults were exchanged.

The winter’s here and it’s time to hunker down, homosexual, and hibernate in the comfort of your own gay home. If you’re a girl with a passion for balls and pockets, than what better way to spend the next 9 months under miserable gray skies than with this Mel C emblazoned pool table.
Your gorgeous gay home will be the envy of lesbians both locally and internationally. Answer these 2 simple gay themed quiz questions for your chance to win-

Q- Which colour does NOT form part of the gay pride rainbow flag
1.- Violet
2.Yellow
3.Indigo
4.Beige

Q- Which of the following celebrities recently came out as bisexual
1.- Queen Elizabeth II of England
2.Missy Higgins
3.Gordon Brown
4.Jane Austen

Ph 090887 9898273 998 to claim your prize*

*calls cost 12347764p a minute and last no more than 12 hours

A sexy new Santa suit aimed at the lesbian market hit the shops today just in time for the silly season.

Marketing director for Gayshitwithrainbowson Ltd, Jolene Punk, said the suit, pictured left, filled a hole in the market. ‘A lot of lesbians are into Christmas, but some of them just don’t want anything male involved. We’re aiming at a market that might harbour some secret and sexy Santa fantasy. Maybe it’s Mrs Claus popping in with a sack on Christmas day, coming down more than just the chimney,’

The suit is available online at Gayshitwithrainbowson.com and larger Woolworth’s